We’ve all been there. A friend disappears from our life with no explanation. A romantic partner ends things with vague reasoning. A coworker or family member shuts down communication, leaving us grasping for answers.

The worst part? We don’t just feel hurt—we feel unseen, misunderstood, and stuck in an endless loop of questioning what went wrong. Did I do something? Could I have fixed it? Why didn’t they care enough to explain?

The experience of lacking closure is something we don’t talk about enough, yet it’s one of the most universal emotional struggles. Here’s the hard truth: closure isn’t something we get from others. It’s something we must learn to give ourselves.

The Common Struggles of Lacking Closure

When closure is absent, the mind fills the void with spiraling thoughts and self-doubt. Some common struggles include:

• Replaying conversations and moments over and over, trying to pinpoint where things went wrong.
• Feeling unworthy or not enough, as if we weren’t deserving of an honest explanation.
• Believing if we just had one more conversation, we could fix it.
• Carrying shame—wondering if we were too much, not enough, or fundamentally flawed in some way.
• Feeling disrespected and powerless, wishing we could make the other person acknowledge our pain.
• Experiencing emotional whiplash—one moment feeling angry, the next feeling desperate for their validation.

Here’s the kicker: the very reason we lack closure is because the person we need it from is unable to provide it.

The Truth About Closure: It’s Not About You

If someone could meet your emotional needs in a healthy way, you wouldn’t feel absent of closure in the first place. Closure isn’t being withheld because you’re asking for too much—it’s missing because they don’t have the capacity to provide it.

Here are some reasons why someone might not be able to give you closure:

• They lack emotional intelligence. They genuinely don’t have the self-awareness or communication skills to have an open, honest conversation about what happened.
• They avoid conflict. They’d rather disappear or keep things surface-level than engage in an uncomfortable discussion.
• They feel guilty but don’t want to face it. Admitting they hurt you means confronting their own shortcomings, which they may not be ready to do.
• They don’t see the situation the same way you do. While you crave a deep resolution, they may not even perceive an issue.
• They believe nothing can “fix” it. Sometimes people feel there’s no perfect way to mend a situation, so they choose silence instead.

None of these reasons have anything to do with your worth. They have everything to do with the other person’s limitations.

Shifting Your Perspective: Rewriting Distorted Thoughts

When we lack closure, our minds often default to self-blame or catastrophizing. Here’s how we can reframe those thoughts:

Distorted Thought	Healthier Thought
“I must have done something wrong for them to cut me off.”	“Their inability to communicate says more about them than about me.”
“If I was more lovable, they wouldn’t have left.”	“Someone who truly valued me would have had the courage to communicate.”
“I need them to validate my feelings before I can move on.”	“I can validate my own feelings. Their acknowledgment isn’t required.”
“If I just explain myself one more time, they’ll understand.”	“I’ve already communicated my feelings. If they wanted to understand, they would.”
“I can’t move on without closure.”	“Closure isn’t something I receive from them—it’s something I create for myself.”

Learning to Be Okay Without Closure

So, what can you do when the closure you want isn’t coming?

1. Accept that some chapters end without a neat conclusion. Real life is messy. Some people leave without explanation. Some situations dissolve without resolution. And that’s okay.
2. Validate your own feelings. You don’t need their permission to feel hurt, disappointed, or confused. Your emotions are valid, even if they never acknowledge them.
3. Shift from “Why did this happen?” to “What can I learn from this?” Focus on what the situation reveals about your own needs, values, and boundaries.
4. Let go of the illusion that closure comes from another person. True closure happens when you decide you don’t need their explanation to move forward.
5. Process your emotions in a safe space. Therapy can be a powerful way to navigate unresolved feelings and gain deeper self-understanding.

You don’t need a final conversation, a perfect explanation, or their validation to heal. You are already enough, just as you are.

If you’re struggling with the pain of unresolved situations, therapy can provide the support you need to process your emotions and move forward with clarity. Schedule a session today.