Let’s be real—making new friends as an adult feels weirdly hard. Like, “where do I even start?” kind of hard. Whether you’re in your 30s, late 20s, or somewhere beyond, the truth is… most of us are quietly craving deeper friendships, but we’re also quietly struggling to figure out how the heck to make it happen.

And while social media might paint a picture of people brunching with their perfectly curated besties every weekend, the reality is a lot more complicated (and a lot more human).

The Hidden Challenges That Get in the Way of Adult Friendships

So why is it so difficult? Let’s pull back the curtain on some of the most common things that get in the way of creating and sustaining genuine adult friendships. If any of these feel familiar, you’re definitely not alone:

1. Negative Thoughts About Ourselves and Others

You might think, “I’m too much,” or “No one wants to get close to someone like me,” or even the opposite—“Other people are flakey, shallow, or not worth the effort.” These beliefs might come from old wounds or past patterns, but they quietly sabotage potential connections before they even begin.

2. Low Feelings of Worthiness

If deep down you don’t feel like you deserve real friendship, it’s going to be hard to show up fully. You might settle for surface-level interactions or hold yourself back emotionally, afraid that if someone really got to know you, they wouldn’t stay.

3. People-Pleasing Tendencies

Trying to be everything to everyone often leads to burnout and shallow connections. You end up managing people’s impressions of you instead of allowing space for your real self to be seen—which is the only real path to true friendship.

4. Fear of Being Judged or Rejected

This fear is paralyzing. You might find yourself overthinking a text for 20 minutes or ghosting someone out of anxiety because vulnerability feels too risky. But staying safe often means staying disconnected.

5. Past Traumas and Friendship Wounds

If you’ve been betrayed, abandoned, or deeply hurt in friendships or other relationships, your nervous system may still be on high alert. Trusting again doesn’t feel easy—it feels dangerous. So you hold back. Or isolate. Or assume history will repeat itself.

6. Social Anxiety

Even when you want to connect, anxiety can hijack your brain and body. Your heart races, your mind blanks, and suddenly grabbing that coffee doesn’t feel casual—it feels like a mountain.

7. Lack of Time and Poor Life Balance

Between work, errands, kids, relationships, or just trying to function, finding time for friends can feel impossible. And when you finally do have downtime, you’re too drained to leave the couch.

8. Partners Who Don’t Mesh With Your Friends

Navigating your partner’s comfort level with your friends (or vice versa) adds another layer of complexity. Sometimes it’s subtle—tension, misalignment of values—and other times it’s outright conflict. Either way, it can make it harder to stay connected.

9. Being an Introvert

You want meaningful friendships, but you also need alone time to recharge. This constant tug-of-war between the desire to connect and the need for solitude is exhausting and can make you question whether you’re doing it “wrong.”

10. Exhaustion and Capacity

Sometimes, you’re just plain tired. Building new connections takes energy. Energy you might not have after caregiving, long work hours, or simply navigating life in a world that demands so much from us.

What If You’re Not Broken—You’re Just Human?

Here’s the comforting truth: None of this makes you bad at friendship. It makes you human. These struggles are universal, even though they often feel isolating. In fact, it’s these very experiences—anxiety, fear, insecurity—that connect us at a deep, real level.

There is no one “right” way to find or build friendships. No rulebook. No step-by-step guide that guarantees the outcome we want. Friendship can look like quick catch-ups, long texts after months of silence, walks instead of dinners, or even shared memes that say “I’m thinking of you.” It’s okay if your friendships don’t look like a Netflix series.

When Our Expectations Get in the Way

A lot of us unknowingly hold rigid ideas about what friendship should look like—and these beliefs actually block connection.

• “If they really cared, they’d reach out more.”
• “A real friend would remember my birthday.”
• “If I don’t hear from them for weeks, they’re not invested.”

These beliefs leave no room for nuance, no space for others to show up differently—and they often lead us to withdraw, shut down, or label ourselves as too much or not enough.

And so begins the cycle:

1. You feel hurt or overlooked.
2. You pull back to protect yourself.
3. They don’t understand why you’ve gone quiet.
4. You tell yourself, “See? I was right. People always leave.”

This cycle reinforces old beliefs and leaves little room for something new to emerge.

So… What Does Healthy, Flexible Friendship Look Like?

Here are some mindset shifts and practices that can open up space for deeper, more authentic adult friendships:

🌱 Adopt Curiosity Over Judgment

Instead of assuming someone isn’t invested, ask yourself: What might they be carrying right now? What would it look like to check in instead of checking out?

🧭 Define Connection on Your Terms

Friendship doesn’t have to mean constant contact. It can be seasonal. It can be slow. It can look different with each person.

🤝 Give (and Ask for) Grace

People are tired. People forget things. We all drop the ball sometimes. That doesn’t mean the connection isn’t real.

🌊 Let Relationships Be Fluid

Not everyone you vibe with is meant to be a lifelong best friend—and that’s okay. Some friendships are brief but beautiful.

🔍 Examine Your “Shoulds”

Ask yourself: Where did I learn that this is what friendship is supposed to look like? Does that belief still serve you?

💬 Practice Authenticity

Instead of trying to be what you think others want, show up as who you are. Authenticity is what draws in the people who are right for you.

🧘 Honor Your Capacity

Sometimes, you won’t have the energy for a hangout—but you might have the energy for a “thinking of you” voice note. That counts too.

🧡 Let Go of Comparison

Just because someone has a “group chat” or goes on girls’ trips doesn’t mean their connections are deeper or more meaningful. Focus on what feels right for you.

It’s Okay to Do This Differently

If you’re reading this, maybe you’re ready to try something new. Maybe you’re ready to stop beating yourself up, to stop carrying the weight of being “the problem,” and start showing up more compassionately to your relationships—and to yourself.

This journey takes reflection. It takes time. And it often helps to have support while you untangle these patterns.

💬 Want Help Exploring This?

Therapy is a great place to process your beliefs around connection, self-worth, and the stories you tell yourself about friendship. If you’re ready to start unpacking and healing this part of your life, click here to schedule a session and let’s talk through it together.

You’re not alone. You’re not behind. And there’s no one right way to build the kind of connections you’re longing for.

But they are possible.

And you are worthy of them.