Let’s be real: self-sabotage isn’t always a massive, reckless decision or a dramatic emotional breakdown.

Sometimes, it’s in the tiny choices we make on autopilot.
It’s when you say “I’m fine” but deep down you feel neglected.
It’s when you stay silent instead of saying, “That hurt me.”
It’s when you avoid the very thing that could help you feel better—because it feels too unfamiliar, too vulnerable, or just too far away from what you’ve always done.

The Hidden Start of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage almost always starts the same way:
With an unmet emotion or need that you don’t fully recognize, understand, or allow space for.

We all have emotional needs—validation, connection, safety, belonging, rest, purpose. And when those needs go unmet, we feel it. Sometimes as anxiety, sometimes anger, sometimes a hollow sadness we can’t name.

But instead of identifying the actual need underneath, we often react with whatever behavior feels easiest or most familiar—even when that behavior doesn’t actually help.

This is the trap:
You use an ineffective or mismatched strategy to feel better, tell yourself it “should” be working, ignore the consequences… and repeat the cycle again.

Eventually, you don’t even question it. It just feels normal—even though it’s making your life harder.

Real-Life Examples of Everyday Self-Sabotage

Let’s look at how this plays out in everyday situations—things you might not even realize are forms of self-sabotage:

1. Using substances to cope instead of process

• What you’re feeling: Burned out, overwhelmed, disconnected
• What you do: Reach for a drink, take a hit, zone out on your phone or a show
• What you need: A break, emotional validation, a conversation, maybe even a good cry
• Outcome: You temporarily numb the stress, but nothing actually improves. Now you’re hungover, more disconnected, and further behind.

2. Withdrawing when you feel misunderstood

• What you’re feeling: Hurt, disappointed, unseen
• What you do: Go cold. Stop texting back. Assume they don’t care.
• What you need: To feel seen, heard, and valued
• Outcome: The relationship weakens, resentment builds, and you feel even more unseen

3. Isolating because you’re afraid of being hurt again

• What you’re feeling: Vulnerable, scared, unsure who you can trust
• What you do: Avoid people. Stay distant. Say “I don’t need anyone.”
• What you need: Connection, safety, support
• Outcome: You feel more alone, reinforcing the belief that people can’t be trusted

4. Procrastinating because you’re afraid of failing

• What you’re feeling: Self-doubt, pressure to be perfect
• What you do: Delay the project, scroll instead, tell yourself you “work better under pressure”
• What you need: Reassurance, support, permission to try imperfectly
• Outcome: Increased stress and guilt, which feeds the belief you’re not capable

Why It’s So Hard to See Self-Sabotage for What It Is

The hardest part? Many of these behaviors are culturally normalized.
They’re in the memes we laugh at, the shows we binge, the conversations we have with friends who are also just trying to keep it together.

We see emotional withdrawal framed as “protecting your peace.”
We call numbing “self-care.”
We confuse boundary-setting with avoidance.

And when everyone else seems to be doing the same thing, we stop questioning whether it’s helping us at all.

This is where so many of us get stuck—not because we don’t want to grow, but because we can’t tell the difference between what’s common and what’s actually healthy.

Even worse, we start to believe that healthier behaviors won’t work because no one else seems to be doing them.
We tell ourselves:

• “If I open up, they’ll just ignore me.”
• “If I take a break, I’ll fall behind.”
• “If I ask for help, I’ll seem weak.”

So we don’t try. And the cycle continues.

How Self-Sabotage Keeps You Stuck

Let’s break it down with a simple but powerful example of a self-sabotage loop:

Belief: “No one really likes me, and bad things always happen to me.”
Emotion: Sadness, loneliness, maybe a little hopelessness
Behavior: Withdraw from others, stop showing up socially, avoid vulnerability
Result: People stop reaching out. You miss out on experiences.
Reinforced Belief: “See? I was right. No one likes me. I’m always alone.”

The behaviors confirm the belief, which feeds the emotion, which leads to more sabotage. It’s a closed loop. And it feels unbreakable—until you start recognizing it for what it is: an attempt to protect yourself that’s no longer serving you.

So What Can You Do Instead?

Breaking the cycle starts by learning to pause and ask:

“What am I really feeling—and what do I really need right now?”

Then—and this part is key—you have to try something different than what you usually do.
Something unfamiliar, maybe uncomfortable… but potentially much more healing.

Instead of numbing: try naming the emotion.
Instead of withdrawing: try sharing that you’re hurting.
Instead of assuming rejection: try checking the story with someone you trust.

In The Mountain Is You, Brianna Wiest describes this beautifully when she writes that self-sabotage is “the presence of an outdated coping mechanism that once kept you safe, but is now keeping you stuck.”
Let that sink in.
You developed these behaviors to survive—but now it’s time to learn how to thrive.

Sabotage vs. Self-Awareness: How It Plays Out Differently

Scenario	Self-Sabotaging Response	Outcome	Healthy Response	Outcome
You feel misunderstood by a partner	Shut down and pull away	Increased disconnection	Express your feelings directly	Opportunity for repair and deeper connection
You’re overwhelmed at work	Procrastinate and avoid tasks	More stress, missed deadlines	Break tasks down, ask for support	Less pressure, steady progress
You’re afraid of being judged	Avoid trying altogether	No growth, more self-doubt	Take a small risk anyway	Build confidence through action
You feel unlovable	Date emotionally unavailable people	Feel rejected, belief reinforced	Set clear standards and boundaries	Experience healthier relationships

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Just “Broken”—You’re Responding to Pain

Self-sabotage isn’t laziness or a lack of willpower. It’s a protective strategy—one that used to work but doesn’t anymore.
It’s also incredibly common. But that doesn’t mean it has to be your baseline.

The first step to change is noticing what you do and getting curious about why you do it.

• What are you trying to feel?
• What are you trying to avoid?
• And what might happen if you let yourself choose differently?

These are the kinds of questions that therapy can help you explore.
If you’re feeling stuck, confused, or exhausted by your own patterns, you don’t have to keep figuring it out alone.

👉 Click here to schedule a session and start untangling the habits that are holding you back—so you can start living in a way that actually works for you.

You don’t need to change who you are.
You just need better tools.

Let’s find them—together.