If you grew up in the 90s, you remember.
The era of “don’t feel bad for yourself”, where coddling was a dirty word, and expressing sadness was basically handing over your social status on a silver platter. If you cried, if you looked upset, if you dared to be vulnerable? You were weak. You were “too sensitive.” You were an inconvenience.

And the thing is — this wasn’t just casual playground teasing. It was status quo.
Judging yourself and others for showing emotions wasn’t just common — it was a survival skill. You learned quickly that to be accepted, you had to suppress. Emotions were liabilities, not truths. The in crowd didn’t get sad. They were too busy perfecting their hair with LA Looks gel, making sure their Tamagotchi stayed alive, and keeping up with who was wearing what to the school dance.

The message was loud and clear:

• If you show sadness, something is wrong with you.
• If you need comfort, you’re “dramatic.”
• If you’re struggling, figure it out quietly — or risk being labeled less than.

It was the golden age of “emotion as weakness”.
Before “nerds” were cool. Before emotional intelligence was respected. Back when gaining your parents’ approval meant not forcing them to actually parent your feelings, and learning how to “just deal” by yourself. If you did get any emotional guidance, it was probably more about conflict avoidance than conflict resolution — yelling, giving the cold shoulder, or “taking space” without ever repairing the relationship.

And stress? That was handled in one of two ways:

1. The Overwhelmer – panic, dramatics, tears, chaos, and everyone in the house feeling it.
2. The Suppressor – calm on the outside, turmoil on the inside, and never a clue how they actually managed it.

The result? A whole generation who learned:

• If you can’t solve your problems silently, you’re doing it wrong.
• If you show emotions, you’re helpless and dramatic.

So here we are — still unlearning those patterns. Many of us internalized that self-compassion = self-pity. That only the weak, overly sensitive, or “different” people needed it. That “tough” meant ignoring yourself until you pushed through.

But here’s the truth:
This is absolutely wrong.
This thinking is exactly how we bred self-hatred, shame, toxic stoicism, and emotional disconnection. It’s why so many of us default to numbing with alcohol, overwork, endless scrolling, and avoidance — trying to outrun feelings that, inconveniently, will always catch up.

The Shift We Need to Make

The way forward is through reparenting ourselves — giving ourselves the care, understanding, and tools we should have gotten growing up. It’s about learning to meet our emotions with curiosity, validation, and practical strategies.

Some emotions will ask you to take action.
Some will ask you to slow down and soothe yourself.
Some will simply want you to listen without fixing a thing.

And here’s why it matters:

The Consequences of Mistaking Self-Compassion for Self-Pity

• Constant self-criticism and judgment
• Feeling helpless or hopeless
• Believing something’s “wrong” with you
• Persistent feelings of inadequacy
• Isolation and disconnection from others
• Struggles with self-worth and identity

The Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion

• Feeling validated and in control of your emotional experience
• Empowerment to handle emotions in healthy ways
• Seeing yourself as human — not damaged
• Moving through emotions faster without bypassing them
• Needing less external reassurance to feel worthy or secure
• Reducing resistance to life’s inevitable challenges
• Broadening your options for responding to difficulties
• Developing a balanced, more grounded perspective

What It Sounds Like: Self-Pity vs. Self-Compassion

Here are some real-world examples you can use to start catching yourself in the moment:

Emotion	Self-Pity Sounds Like…	Self-Compassion Sounds Like…
Anxiety	“Why am I like this? I’ll never get it together.”	“This is uncomfortable, but it’s just my body trying to protect me. I can take small steps to calm down.”
Jealousy	“I’m pathetic for feeling this way.”	“This is showing me what I value and want. I can use this feeling as information, not a weapon against myself.”
Disappointment	“Nothing ever works out for me.”	“This didn’t go how I hoped, and that’s painful. I can give myself space to feel it before deciding what’s next.”
Guilt	“I’m such a bad person for messing up.”	“I made a mistake, but I can make it right. This doesn’t define my entire worth.”
Unworthiness	“I’ll never be good enough.”	“I’m feeling not enough right now, but feelings aren’t facts. I have value even when I’m struggling.”
Embarrassment	“I should just never try again.”	“That was uncomfortable, but I survived it. Everyone has awkward moments.”
Sadness	“I’m so broken for feeling this way.”	“This is a natural human emotion. I can comfort myself without judging it.”
Incompetence	“I’m useless.”	“I don’t know how to do this yet, but I can learn and ask for help.”

How to Start Shifting

1. Notice your inner voice – Is it attacking or supporting you?
2. Pause before reacting – Give yourself a beat to identify what the emotion is asking for.
3. Label the emotion – “I’m feeling anxious,” instead of “I’m a mess.”
4. Validate yourself – “Of course I feel this way, this situation matters to me.”
5. Choose your response – Soothe, problem-solve, or simply allow.

If this is bringing up lightbulbs and a little discomfort, that’s okay. These patterns run deep — and they’re not your fault. But they are your responsibility now. You can rewrite the script you grew up with, build a healthier emotional toolkit, and stop confusing self-compassion with self-pity.

Therapy can be a powerful place to practice these skills and untangle those old, unhelpful messages.
Click here to schedule a session and start building a more compassionate relationship with yourself.