If you’re like many millennials, you probably believe that if you plan meticulously, anticipate every possible outcome, and stay firmly in control, you can create the perfect life. On the surface, this mindset sounds empowering. After all, we’ve been taught that hard work, discipline, and planning are the keys to success. But what if this approach is actually keeping you from experiencing true happiness?

Many of us are living under the weight of an idea that goes something like this: “If I just control everything perfectly, I’ll achieve the life I want, and then I’ll be happy.” It’s a compelling story, but it’s also deeply flawed. By hyper-focusing on controlling life, we often miss the richness of living it. Let’s dive into why this happens and how you can shift your mindset to experience more joy and fulfillment in the present moment.

The Problem with Trying to Control Everything

When you believe that your happiness is tied to achieving a specific outcome, life becomes a constant hustle to make things turn out just right. You spend your days anticipating challenges, planning for contingencies, and trying to steer events in your desired direction. It’s exhausting, and worse, it’s counterproductive.

Here’s why this approach can backfire:

1. You Can’t Control Everything: Life is unpredictable. No matter how much effort you put into planning, unexpected events will always pop up. When things don’t go as planned, it’s easy to feel frustrated or even like a failure, even if the situation was never fully in your control.
2. You’re Delaying Happiness: If you’re always focused on achieving the next goal or fixing the next problem, happiness becomes a moving target. You tell yourself you’ll be happy once you get the promotion, meet the right partner, or finally buy that dream house. But when you get there, another goal takes its place. Happiness remains forever in the future.
3. You Miss the Present Moment: By fixating on outcomes, you miss the beauty of what’s happening right now. You don’t fully enjoy the small wins, the connections with loved ones, or the simple joys of daily life because your mind is always somewhere else.
4. You Set Yourself Up for Disappointment: When your happiness is tied to specific outcomes, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Life doesn’t always follow your script, and when it doesn’t, the gap between your expectations and reality can feel devastating.

Why the “Control” Mindset Feels So Safe

It’s understandable why so many of us fall into the trap of over-managing our lives. The idea of control offers a sense of safety. It’s comforting to believe that if we just try hard enough, we can avoid pain, failure, or disappointment. But here’s the truth: avoiding discomfort isn’t the same as living a fulfilling life. In fact, some of life’s most meaningful experiences come from challenges, surprises, and even failures.

A Better Approach: Balancing Intention and Surrender

The good news is that you don’t have to choose between having goals and letting go of control. The key is finding a balance between setting intentions and allowing life to unfold naturally. Here’s how to start:

1. Shift Your Focus to the Process: Instead of fixating on the outcome, focus on the journey. What can you learn along the way? How can you enjoy the steps you’re taking right now? For example, if you’re working toward a fitness goal, celebrate the strength and energy you’re gaining today instead of only focusing on hitting a specific number on the scale.
2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you stay present and fully engaged in the moment. When you notice your mind drifting to future worries or past regrets, gently bring your attention back to the here and now. Simple practices like deep breathing, gratitude journaling, or even savoring your morning coffee can help you stay grounded.
3. Embrace Uncertainty: Instead of fearing the unknown, try to see it as an opportunity. Life’s unpredictability often brings unexpected joys and opportunities. When things don’t go as planned, ask yourself: “What’s the silver lining here? What new possibilities does this open up?”
4. Set Intentions, Not Expectations: Intentions are about the how, not the what. For example, instead of saying, “I must land this dream job,” you might say, “I intend to bring my best self to every job opportunity and trust that the right path will unfold.” This mindset allows you to stay motivated without being rigidly attached to a specific outcome.
5. Be Kind to Yourself: Letting go of the control mindset isn’t easy, and you won’t get it perfect overnight. Be patient with yourself. Celebrate small wins, and remember that growth is a lifelong journey.

How Therapy Can Help

If you’re ready to let go of the need to control every aspect of your life but don’t know where to start, therapy can be a valuable resource. A therapist can help you explore the underlying beliefs driving your need for control, identify patterns that aren’t serving you, and develop healthier ways of thinking and living. Through therapy, you can learn to embrace uncertainty, navigate challenges, and experience greater fulfillment in your daily life.

If this resonates with you, consider scheduling a free consultation to see how therapy can support you on this journey. Taking the first step can open the door to a more balanced and joyful way of living.

The Takeaway: Let Life Surprise You

When you release the need to control every aspect of your life, something magical happens. You create space for spontaneity, connection, and joy. You allow yourself to experience happiness in the moment instead of chasing it in the future. And perhaps most importantly, you free yourself from the exhausting and impossible task of managing every detail of your life.

Life is meant to be lived, not perfectly managed. So, take a deep breath, loosen your grip, and let life surprise you. You might find that the moments you didn’t plan are the ones that bring you the most happiness.

For more on this topic, tune into the Centered Wellness Podcast Episode 4: “You Cannot Perfect Life, You Have to Live It”