Forgiveness is one of those concepts that sounds simple in theory but can feel nearly impossible in practice. We know we should forgive, but when we’ve been hurt—especially by someone we trusted—it’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of mentally replaying the situation, trying to make sense of it, and wishing we had done something differently to prevent the pain.

If you’ve found yourself analyzing the past, wondering how you could have controlled the situation, predicted it, or avoided it altogether, you’re not alone. But the reality is — expecting ourselves to have known better, seen it coming, or done something to prevent it is an unrealistic expectation that only keeps us trapped. The past cannot be rewritten, and no amount of overthinking will change what happened. Instead, what we can change is how we relate to our expectations and the meaning we assign to the experience.

The Weight of Unmet Expectations

A major reason we struggle with forgiveness is that we are still holding onto expectations—expectations of how someone should have acted, how they should have treated us, or how they were supposed to meet our needs. When those expectations go unmet, it’s painful, and the natural response is to keep searching for ways to “fix” what happened so that we can finally get what we needed. But that’s where we get stuck—because no matter how much we mentally revisit the situation, we cannot go back in time and make someone different than they were in that moment.

One of the biggest shifts in moving toward forgiveness is recognizing that part of what we are grieving is the loss of our expectation that this person could have or would have shown up differently for us. Instead of seeing it as proof that we weren’t worthy of that care, or that we should have seen the signs, we can acknowledge something much simpler: they were unable to give us what we needed, at least under those circumstances.

Forgiving Ourselves for Being Vulnerable

Another layer of forgiveness that often goes unspoken is the need to forgive ourselves. When we’ve been hurt, it’s easy to fall into self-blame: I should have known better. I shouldn’t have trusted them. I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation. But what we really have to accept is that being vulnerable is a necessary part of building meaningful relationships. If we never take emotional risks, we also never open ourselves up to deep connection, love, and growth.

Rather than blaming ourselves for being hurt, we can practice self-compassion by acknowledging that we were simply doing what all humans do—seeking connection, believing in the good in others, and allowing ourselves to be open to relationships. That is not something to punish ourselves for; it’s something to honor.

The Role of Therapy in Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about excusing harmful behavior or forcing yourself to move on before you’re ready. It’s about releasing yourself from the mental loops that keep you stuck in the past. It’s about letting go of the idea that you should have been able to control the situation or prevent the pain.

If you’re struggling with forgiveness—whether of someone else or yourself—therapy can be a powerful space to process those feelings, shift perspectives, and find freedom from the weight of resentment. If you’re ready to explore this further, schedule a session here to get the support you need.

To hear a discussion on this topic, tune into our latest “Broken Tools” podcast episode 5: Rethinking Forgiveness where we address these challenges with forgiveness and how shifting our mindset can help us relate to our experiences differently. Sometimes, hearing these conversations out loud can be the first step toward seeing things differently.