So many of us were never really taught how to feel our feelings — much less how to communicate them in healthy ways. Especially for millennials who grew up in emotionally avoidant, high-achieving, or chaotic environments, our emotional survival often meant learning tools that were more about coping than connecting. We picked up strategies like people-pleasing, blaming, controlling, or even subtly manipulating — not out of malice, but out of a deep need to feel safe, seen, or secure.

Manipulation often doesn’t look like the dramatic, obvious version we see in movies. It’s usually quiet. It’s a sigh. A sarcastic remark. A guilt-laced text. It’s our unspoken way of saying:

“I’m hurting, and I don’t know how to express it… so I’m trying to get you to fix it.”

But this doesn’t bring the resolution we’re really craving. Instead, it leads to a cycle of guilt, frustration, emotional disconnection, and unmet needs — in ourselves and in our relationships.

Why We Try to Control People and Environments

When we feel hurt or overwhelmed, our first instinct is often to look outside of ourselves. We think:

• “If they’d just respond differently, I’d feel better.”
• “If my partner would just say the right thing, I wouldn’t feel so insecure.”
• “If my coworker respected me more, I wouldn’t be so anxious.”

This external focus becomes a default coping mechanism. We wait for someone or something else to change, thinking that’s the key to emotional peace. And when it doesn’t happen, we often — consciously or unconsciously — try to get others to change through subtle forms of manipulation.

Manipulation: When Communication Gets Twisted

Manipulation is essentially a misdirected form of communication. We use it when we feel emotionally unsafe, or when we don’t know how to clearly ask for what we need. It might sound like:

• “You never care about how I feel.”
• “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t act like that.”
• “I guess I’ll just suffer alone since no one cares.”

These statements are often projections — we’re holding others responsible for our internal world, instead of turning inward to better understand our emotions, needs, or wounds.

When we blame others for our emotional states instead of understanding our emotions, identifying our needs, and setting healthy expectations and boundaries, we end up feeling increasingly disempowered. We stay stuck in patterns of disappointment and resentment, erode trust and connection in our relationships, and become dependent on others for emotional regulation. The more we try to control others to feel okay, the less in control we actually feel.

Why We Don’t Realize We’re Doing It

This broken tool — manipulation — is so ingrained in our culture and communication that many of us don’t even realize we’re using it. We’ve been conditioned to believe that if someone makes us feel something, they must be responsible for fixing it. But emotional responsibility doesn’t work that way.

Most of us haven’t been taught how to tune into our emotional cues, or how to identify what we’re really needing in those difficult moments. We struggle to recognize where our emotional responsibility ends and someone else’s begins. We may not know how to communicate clearly, or we may be afraid to speak up out of fear of conflict or rejection. So instead, we hint. We shame. We guilt. We avoid. And the cycle continues.

Let’s Break It Down With Some Examples

Here’s the difference between manipulation-based communication and emotionally responsible communication:

Manipulation	Healthy Communication
“You never listen to me, you don’t care about me!”	“I feel hurt and disconnected. I need to feel heard and valued in this relationship.”
“Fine. Whatever. I guess I just don’t matter.”	“I’m feeling dismissed. Can we talk about what happened so I can understand better?”
“If you don’t come, I’ll be devastated.”	“I’d really love for you to be there — it would mean a lot to me.”
“You made me feel like a failure.”	“When that happened, I felt discouraged. I’m working on my confidence and would appreciate more encouragement.”

See how one approach leads to guilt and defensiveness, while the other invites clarity and connection? When we shift from blame to ownership, we create space for real emotional healing and honest conversations.

The Emotional Cost of Staying Stuck

When we continue to rely on manipulation to express our feelings or get our needs met, we end up hurting ourselves just as much as we hurt others. Over time, it chips away at the trust in our relationships. The people around us may start to feel constantly on edge, unsure of when they’ll be guilted or blamed next — which leads to emotional distancing. We, in turn, feel increasingly misunderstood, resentful, and alone.

But most importantly, we remain emotionally dependent on the reactions of others. Our inner world becomes dictated by what someone else does or doesn’t do. That’s an incredibly unstable and powerless place to live from. Without learning how to regulate ourselves, we end up re-living the same conflicts and disappointments, hoping someone else will finally “get it” — when the truth is, the deeper healing begins with us.

So What Can We Do Instead?

Start by getting curious. Not judgmental — just gently curious. Ask yourself:

• “Am I trying to get someone else to fix how I feel?”
• “Have I clearly expressed what I’m feeling and needing?”
• “Am I placing expectations on someone that they haven’t agreed to?”
• “Am I assuming they should know what I need without telling them?”

Then practice the art of self-regulation and emotionally responsible communication. Begin to tune into your feelings before reacting. Name what you need without placing blame. Acknowledge and accept the limitations of others — and adjust your expectations accordingly. Communicate with clarity, not guilt. And most importantly, let go of the belief that others must change for you to feel okay.

Examples of Healthy Emotional Shifts

• Instead of saying, “You made me feel invisible,” try:
  → “I felt overlooked when I wasn’t included. I value feeling seen and would like to talk about it.”
• Instead of shutting down and withdrawing to punish someone, try:
  → “I need some space to process what I’m feeling, but I’d like to come back to this and talk it through.”
• Instead of hinting or expecting mind reading, try:
  → “It’s hard for me to ask, but I really need some support today. Would you be open to spending time with me?”

These shifts take time, practice, and a lot of self-compassion. But they move us from disempowerment to ownership — from conflict to connection.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Learning

Manipulation is a tool many of us picked up because we didn’t know any other way. It’s not a reflection of your worth or your character — it’s simply a sign that there’s something deeper that needs attention, healing, and support.

You’re not the only one who has struggled with this. You’re not alone in unlearning it. And the good news is, with awareness, support, and practice, you can build healthier ways of relating — both to yourself and to others.

This is the kind of deep emotional work that therapy is made for. Check out the podcast for more of an in-depth discussion on this topic, or if you’re ready to explore what’s behind your patterns and start building healthier, more empowering ways to connect – click here to schedule a session.

You deserve relationships rooted in safety, clarity, and mutual respect — and it starts with learning how to offer those things to yourself.

You’re worth the effort. 💛