Let’s talk about one of the most common yet sneakiest “broken tools” we tend to rely on in relationships—walking on eggshells.

If you’ve ever found yourself tiptoeing around someone’s emotions, sugarcoating your needs, or carefully phrasing things to avoid a blow-up or hurt feelings, then yeah… you know exactly what I mean.

At first glance, this approach might seem thoughtful, maybe even mature. We convince ourselves we’re being kind, polite, diplomatic. We might tell ourselves, “I don’t want to be mean,” or “I’m just trying to keep the peace.” But here’s the hard truth:

Walking on eggshells isn’t about keeping the peace—it’s about avoiding the truth.

And when we avoid the truth in our relationships (especially with people we love), we don’t get more harmony—we just get more resentment, frustration, and confusion.

The Eggshell Trap: Why We Do It

Let’s break down what’s really going on when we walk on eggshells:

• We minimize our own needs, thinking if we’re extra nice, patient, or accommodating, maybe the other person will finally get it and change.
• We become hypervigilant, monitoring every word, tone, and facial expression to avoid triggering someone else’s reaction.
• We confuse politeness for effectiveness, hoping that if we just stay calm and sweet enough, things will magically shift.

Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Often, this cycle stems from repeated failed attempts at communicating our needs. We’ve tried being honest before, and it didn’t go well. So we shrink. We become “nicer.” More careful. And we tell ourselves, “See? That went better! No argument.”

But here’s the problem: the actual issue never changed. The behavior we wanted to address keeps happening. We’re just ignoring it now and hoping niceness will do the work that honesty couldn’t.

The Emotional Weight of Other People’s Reactions

At the root of all this? A massive belief that we are somehow responsible for other people’s emotions.

This belief teaches us that if someone feels hurt, sad, angry, or upset by our needs or feedback, we’ve done something wrong. So instead of tolerating the discomfort of another person’s emotions, we twist ourselves into a more palatable version, thinking:

“If I word it just right, maybe they won’t get upset.”
“If I stay calm enough, maybe they’ll finally hear me.”
“If I don’t say anything at all, maybe it’ll pass.”

The truth? It’s not your job to prevent someone else from feeling. Emotions aren’t threats. They’re data. They help us understand each other—what matters to us, what hurts us, what boundaries we need.

And when we’re not willing to let others have their emotional reactions, we rob everyone (including ourselves) of the opportunity to grow, understand each other more deeply, and create real change.

Real Communication Means Letting Go of Control

Healthy communication requires vulnerability and courage. It means:

• Allowing people to have their own feelings—even when it’s uncomfortable.
• Taking responsibility for our part of the relationship—but only our part.
• Accepting the reality of what someone is (or isn’t) willing or able to do once we’ve clearly expressed our needs.

This last part? It’s the hardest.

Because once we stop walking on eggshells and start communicating honestly, we have to be willing to face the truth of the relationship dynamic—what it is, not what we wish it was. And if someone consistently can’t or won’t meet us halfway, we have to decide if that’s a relationship we can stay in and feel good about.

Signs You Might Be Trapped in the Eggshell Cycle

You might be stuck in this pattern if you notice:

• Resentment building toward someone close to you
• Increased reactivity to small things they do
• Feeling “crazy” or confused about why you’re so emotional
• Lashing out and then feeling guilty or ashamed
• Having a hard time pinpointing what’s actually wrong
• Feeling like you’ve tried everything, but still aren’t being heard

These are not signs that you’re dramatic or too much. They’re signs that you’re suppressing your needs or feelings and trying to make broken tools work.

So What Does Work?

Start with this simple roadmap:

1. Pause and reflect.

Ask yourself: What am I really feeling? What do I actually need here?
Naming it is the first step toward clarity.

2. Validate your experience.

My feelings and needs matter. Full stop. Even if they’re inconvenient. Even if they might upset someone else.

3. Communicate assertively and honestly.

“I feel [emotion] when [situation happens] and I need [clear need or request].”
No sugarcoating. No hedging.

4. Ask, don’t control.

Invite them to meet the need, rather than demand. This honors their autonomy and opens the door for real collaboration.

5. Only own your half.

You’re responsible for your words, your tone, your delivery—not their reaction.

6. Accept the outcome.

Their response—whether it’s understanding, defensiveness, change, or avoidance—is data.
You can’t control it, but you can decide how you want to respond to it.

It’s Okay to Struggle With This

If you grew up in environments where honesty was punished, where emotional safety was inconsistent, or where being “good” meant making yourself small—of course this is hard. Of course it feels safer to avoid conflict, even at the cost of your own peace.

But here’s the thing: peace that depends on you disappearing isn’t real peace. And it definitely won’t bring the intimacy, connection, or self-respect you’re really craving.

Ready to Try Something Healthier?

You don’t have to do this perfectly. You just have to be open to a different way.

Start by asking yourself:

Where am I walking on eggshells? What am I afraid would happen if I stopped?

These are powerful questions—and even more powerful when explored with someone who can help you make sense of the deeper patterns at play.

Processing this in therapy can give you the tools, support, and clarity you need to stop walking on eggshells and start showing up more fully, honestly, and assertively in your relationships.

If you’re ready to begin shifting these patterns and reconnecting with your needs, click here to schedule a session.

You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to ask for more. And you’re allowed to stop making yourself small just to keep someone else comfortable.

You deserve real connection—not the kind that only exists when you’re quiet.