Most of us have spent our lives chasing a sense of worth, measuring our value by accomplishments, relationships, status, or how others perceive us. Millennials, in particular, were handed a broken tool—a belief that if we just achieve enough, work hard enough, or gain enough external validation, we will finally feel whole. But what happens when those markers disappear? When the job ends, the relationship crumbles, or the applause fades? Too often, we find ourselves emotionally plummeting because we never learned to build our self-worth from the inside out.

We don’t often talk about self-love because it seems like something we should just naturally have. And if we don’t, we wonder—what’s wrong with us? But self-love isn’t a default setting; it’s a practice. It’s not ego, arrogance, or self-indulgence. It’s a warm, quiet, deeply filling feeling that allows us to treat ourselves with the same kindness, patience, and grace we extend to those we love.

The problem is, without self-love, we are left vulnerable in the moments we need it most. When we rely solely on external validation, we become disconnected from a stable, internal sense of self. And we often don’t even realize this pattern until we hit rock bottom. It’s in these moments of loss, failure, or rejection that we recognize how fragile our sense of worth really is. And trying to develop self-love from that space can feel overwhelming, like attempting to build a safety net after we’ve already fallen.

This is why cultivating self-love before we desperately need it is so important. The good news? There are creative, meaningful ways to build this inner foundation. Practices like visualization, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, journaling, tai chi, and even martial arts can help us reconnect with ourselves in deeper ways. These practices aren’t about achieving another goal but about learning to be with ourselves—to see ourselves, understand ourselves, and, most importantly, accept ourselves.

The first step? A willingness to be vulnerable, self-aware, and open to doing the inner work. Self-love starts with recognizing that you are more than what you accomplish, that your worth isn’t tied to how others perceive you. It means building resilience so that even when external validation fades, your sense of self remains steady.

A Self-Love Reflection Exercise

If you want to assess your feelings of self-love, try this simple exercise:

1. Imagine someone or something you love or care about deeply—whether it’s a friend, partner, child, pet, parent, mentor, niece, or nephew.
2. Think of a moment in time where you truly felt the actual sensation of love towards them—that warm, quiet, filling feeling and knowing in your chest. Allow yourself to really focus on how it feels to love someone else so deeply.
3. Now reflect: Have you ever truly felt that same warmth and acceptance towards yourself? Not because of an accomplishment, validation, praise, or acknowledgment from others—but simply for being who you are? Have you ever appreciated all the wonderful things your mind, body, and soul do for you each day?
4. If you’ve never experienced that feeling towards yourself, take a moment now. Close your eyes and try redirecting those loving feelings inward. Acknowledge your worth simply for existing, for being you, without needing any external markers to justify it. Breathe deeply and sit with that feeling.

If this resonates with you, if you’re tired of chasing self-worth in all the old ways that never seem to last, therapy can be a powerful space to process and build the healthy coping tools you need. Schedule a session here for more support.

And if you want to dive deeper into this conversation, check out the podcast episode: External Validation is Not Self-Love: So What Is It Really? Let’s start breaking the cycle together.